top of page
  • Writer's pictureBre

Understanding the Weight

"If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done."

I want to do something that I have never done. I have never lost more than 25 lbs at once. I want to understand why I keep ending up in the same loop of gain and loss, no matter how well I think I am doing. Understanding that weight is just a symptom and not a root cause, I have started to reflect on what exactly it is that keeps weight on me.

I am a natural caretaker. I have been since I was a child. I am the oldest of four children. My chore as a kid was to prepare dinner for my siblings when my mom was at work. I always ate a little while I was cooking. When I served my siblings, I turned my attention to other things like homework. I would overeat once I realized I was still hungry.

Struggling with food insecurity as both a child and an adult broke the way I thought about food. Wasting food is a cardinal sin in my mind. I don’t put that trope on my children because I am aware enough to realize how harmful it was to me as a child. I hate leaving food on the plate. Why? What if that is the last meal I will have today? What if something happens to my income and I have nothing to eat? Once you know how it feels to be hungry, you never want to experience that again.

My anxiety disorder keeps me from dieting correctly. When I am doing well on a diet (yes, diet and not lifestyle change, because clearly, I have not changed my lifestyle just yet), I get anxious about food. Anything from planning the meals to making time for the meals makes me nervous. When I get too wound up, or I can’t make a decision, I skip eating OR I completely fall off the wagon and end up feeling miserable about it. I also have no idea what I am doing in the gym. I was diagnosed with ADHD, so going to the gym and staying on a machine for any considerable time feels like an impossible task.

I don’t dislike the way I look. I am blessed to be in the body I am in. I love my body. My weight loss is not necessarily cosmetic because I am okay with me. That being said, it has always been hard for me to tell when I am gaining weight. When you don’t know when you are gaining and you finally see it, it hits you hard. That is where I am currently.

I don’t know or understand how losing weight and keeping it off for the long run is sustainable. This weighs heavy on me. Would I be miserable if I get the weight off and can’t keep it off? How does health and wellness look in the maintenance phase? I have no idea because I have never gotten there.

This is where my reflections have gotten me. I am talking through these thoughts with my therapist and myself. Before I ramp up, I want to understand how to be successful in it this time. Stay tuned.


As always, thank you for supporting Flawless Noises Media Network.

Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus content.

Purchase merchandise on our website:

Waist Away Playlist

17 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All



bottom of page