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Back at One

Back at one. Sadly.

Picture it: Spring 2019. I had been doing Keto for exactly 1.5 months. I stood naked and stepped on the scale. I won’t tell you number it read back to me, but I will tell you that I was 25lbs. lighter than I was when I started. Bitch, I was elated. I thought to myself, “WOW. Okay, this is a start. Okay, I can ACTUALLY do this.” I even posted to Facebook with my progress because I was so proud of myself. And then life happened.

I started Keto at the end of March 2019 and stuck with it until July 2019. My backsliding started with a piece of cake. It was my daughter’s 13th birthday and I got her the most delicious cake at a local bakery. We celebrated with my family and I had a modestly sized piece of cake. It tasted like what I think heaven must feel like. That night, when I let the reality of what I did sink in, I had a full-scale breakdown. I thought to myself, “What the fuck stupid, why would you have cake when you been doing so good?” The moment that I ate that slice of cake, in my mind, the changes were over. I fucked up. There was no way that I could go back and pick up where I left off. I was absolutely RUINED. I do not remember what happened the next day.

I wasn’t focused on myself because my son was scheduled for surgery on August 8th, 2019. I had to take care of him even more than usual so suddenly. It didn’t leave time for the careful and thoughtful meal planning that I had been doing. I decided to eat whatever I had around. The thing that rooted me to healthy eating was my children needing healthy meals. But my daughter wasn’t in the house because school was still out for the summer. With her gone, and my son being SO picky, I ended up just picking up something for myself most nights. The night he had his surgery, I carelessly ate a burger with fries and a soda. I thought to myself, “Okay, you will get back on it. Just let the stress of his surgery pass. Then you will FEEL like getting back on track.”

Well, God laughs at your plans. On September 13, 2019, I went into the ER with cramps and came out missing a fallopian tube. When I was finally able to shower and look at myself, I was disgusted with what I saw. I know that I was still pretty swollen from the surgery, but I was NOT happy. All my progress? Gone. My confidence? Battered. And that part hurt the worst because I have NEVER hated my body. I felt like it physically hurt to look at myself in the mirror.

That brings me to where I am right now. Having surgery made me realize that I am the only thing keeping me right. I am all I have. If I do not treat my body better than I have been, my body will fail me. Past my physical appearance and the aesthetic of looking a certain way, I want to feel as good as I felt when I posted my before/after pictures on Facebook. Strong, happy, and satisfied. I need to get back to her.

So here we go.


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