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A Chaotic Soul

"I haven’t picked up the pieces yet. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to begin. I just know I need to begin." was how I started my last blog post back in Jan. 2020, ironic right. Losing my father-in-law was just the tip of the iceberg. February 13, 2020 my ship completely sunk when I lost my friend and co-founder, Curtis, aka Trillificent, aka Coonloaf, aka Nigga Bread, aka the creator of Gayside Stories. I am typing this with tears in my eyes because Curtis death broke my spirit completely. I talked to Curtis 2/9 and by 2/13 he was gone. Four days later, just that fast death had struck like a thief in the night. In the wake of all the death and trauma I was enduring, I put my fitness journey on hold to embark on my mental health journey. My soul is in chaos, I'm in therapy, I'm trying to be ok and pick up the pieces but the truth is, nothing feels the same without Curtis here. He was an immense talent, and a once in a life time friend. He can't be replaced, not as a friend, not as a podcaster, not as a co-founder, Curtis was destined for greatness, and in the blink of any eye, he was no longer here. I find myself questioning daily if I have what it takes to keep the network going, if I'm even 1/8th as talented as he is because he made it look effortless.

After spending days not wanting to get out the bed, eat, sleep, work, and more, I made an appointment with a therapist. Prior to his passing Curtis was working on his mental and physical health, and I used that as inspiration to get my my mind back in order so that my soul and body will follow. I've been so sad because I expect to grow old with friends, and losing one I had grown extremely close with to the point of starting a business together feels like a constant punch to the chest. I know it takes time to get beyond grief and that the pain never goes away, but right now, I'm not there, but I know I will be one day.

Beyond losing two very incredible people, COVID-19 is showing her naked ass, and the world is basically shut down. I have to find ways to get active while spending the majority of the day in my house. The gym helped me clear my mind, take my frustrations out, and even if temporarily, that has been taken away from me as well. As I said in my previous blog, It’s hard to keep pushing knowing I’m not ok, but I will push, I will make Curtis proud as his co-founder and friend. As cliché as it sounds, nothing is promised, and since there is no promise of tomorrow, I choose to keep living for today and trying to accomplish this goal I set for myself. So while grief has felt unbearable, mentally I know this will not always be the case and that I will find joy after the storms have moved on. And that’s enough to make me keep rooting for myself and fully embracing my fitness journey in this new year! Curtis, I LOVE YOU, I thank you for pushing me to be great, I thank you for all the laughs you've given as a friend and podcaster, and most of all thank you for being YOU. Until we meet again on the other side, I'll hold it down here.


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