Grief is something that seems to be a constant theme in my life. It is something that I try to peacefully coexist with, but with grief, that is absolutely impossible.
I have lost a few good friends. Not those 'go-to-brunch-with' friends, but real and true soulmates. Every day I wish that I was a stranger to grief but in February, it showed up once again. This time, with my dear friend and collaborator, Curtis.
You know him as Trillficent of the podcast Gayside Stories and as one of the contributors to this blog. His death hit me like a semi-truck. I was not expecting it in any way and to say that it floored me would be a lie. It devastated me. It took the normalcy that I had been living in and completely turned it upside down. I am struggling to find my normal even now, almost two months after his death.
Curtis's untimely passing rocked me to my core and not just because I lost a friend that meant the world to me, but because I cannot stop thinking about the circumstances. I will not divulge his personal information here out of respect but the one thing that I keep thinking of and being really upset about is the idea that he really thought that he had time to make better health choices.
We would talk and our conversations would be focused on how we were going to get ourselves together health and weight wise... 'this month' would become 'this year' and we would make changes, but those changes would not stick long term. Curtis never got the chance to try again, but I have that chance, and I am thankful for it.
When I got off the plane from being with him as he transitioned, I renewed my promise to myself. I will get in better shape, if not for me, for my children. I do not want them to lose me like I have lost so many friends. I am going to do whatever I can to make sure that they don't have to coexist with grief.
With my family social distancing, I have a unique opportunity to make a change. I refuse to eat junk food. I slip up sometimes but I am making an effort that has been better than the times before. With restaurants being closed, I am cooking more food at home which makes it easier for me to make better choices. I actually look forward to the long walks that I can take by myself to give myself a break from working at home and parenting.
I will use this blog to keep me honest. I have a goal in mind, and honestly, I have made a consultation to do gastric sleeve surgery. I have a lot of weight to lose and I cannot believe that time is on my side anymore.
Wish me luck!
-Bre
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